


MacGuffinson Must Die!

by LithiumDoll



Category: Deadpool (Movieverse)
Genre: F/F, F/M, Gen, Yuletide Treat
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-24
Updated: 2018-12-24
Packaged: 2019-09-26 10:32:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,605
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17140151
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LithiumDoll/pseuds/LithiumDoll
Summary: He patted the bar beside him invitingly, then pried his hand up out of the syrup. “Come talk to Uncle Dead. No, that sounds like crappy experimental German EDM. Uncle Pool? Worse.So much worse.Never mind—spill it, sister.”Ellie raised an unimpressed eyebrow. “No.”





	MacGuffinson Must Die!

**Author's Note:**

  * For [shrift](https://archiveofourown.org/users/shrift/gifts).



> Deadpool took the invitation to swing by a little more enthusiastically than I'd planned, but I hope you enjoy this treat anyway! Have a great holiday :)
> 
> The rating is for swearing.

“Here’s the thing, Dopinder.” Wade rested an elbow on the bar and waved his hand airily, even as he registered the cold, sticky sensation seeping through his leathers. Yeah, that could not be ignored. He pried his elbow up from the goo and gagged at the sweet smell. He hadn’t thought anyone in this dive would know how to spell ‘cocktail,’ let alone order one.

He scrubbed at his arm while Dopinder waited patiently. “Okay, _here’s_ the thing. Dopinder.”

Great, now he’d lost track and all he could think about was the seven-foot biker at the end of the bar ordering Screaming Orgasms. And probably getting them without any comments, or eye rolls, or inexplicable stab wounds whatsoever.

Some guys had all the luck.

“I cannot see your thing, Mr Pool,” Dopinder prompted after a minute.

“Good—this fic is PG, and that’s all for the frankly gratuitous swearing. Where was I?”

“You were here.” Dopinder gestured to the bar. “And also there, shouting loudly at physics.” He nodded to the pool table. “Then two and a half hours in the restroom. And now you are here again,” he added helpfully.

“On reflection,” Wade said, after a thoughtful beat, “I choose to take it as a sign of our deep and enduring bond of brotherhood and occasional spa days that you’re literally stalking my every movement.”

“You asked me to accompany you, Mr Pool,” Dopinder pointed out. “I was honored to do so, though also deeply wish you had not,” he added, with conscientious honesty.

Okay, take three.

“Here’s the thing, Dopinder: this is where you become a man.” He paused, forced to concede a point of fact. “Well, no, you’re already a man. This is where you become a better man. Although, we _are_ technically here to kill a guy, so that’s probably not...”

He took a moment to consider.

“On the other hand,” he went on, “you have murdered at least two people. So I guess this is where you become exactly the same man, but also a helpful distraction.”

“Today, I rise.” Dopinder straightened and smiled proudly.

“Or sit, if you prefer. Just be ready to pull the alarm when I—”

There were times in a fight (call it experience, gut instinct, being genetically superior and in every way improved, sure, _whatever_ ) when he knew he was a target. When he _knew_ crosshairs were lining up, or a sword was coming down, or someone, somewhere, was disapproving of his life choices.

He hunched protectively. “It’s too late for me, Dopinder. Save yourself.”

“What the fuck are you doing?” said a familiar voice behind him.

An equally familiar face, not belonging to the voice and framed with purple-streaked hair, leaned into his peripheral vision with a beaming smile. “Hi, Wade!”

He sighed, but who could stay mad at that hair? He turned on his stool and leaned nonchalantly back against the bar. “Hi, Yukio! You look very lovely today, here in this hive of scum and villainy. Tell me this isn’t date night—honestly, what do you even see in her?”

Yukio’s smile didn’t fade as she cast an affectionate glance to Ellie, standing arms crossed and scowling. “Everything she sees in me, and more.”

Ellie’s surly expression didn’t change, except perhaps to deepen; Yukio didn’t seem to take it personally.

That was even more sticky and sweet than whatever the bar was covered in, and would probably be even harder to get rid of. It was also so obviously sincere that Wade’s chest ached, and probably not because of the triple-fried bar wings.

“Oh, you’re good,” he said, conceding defeat in the face of young love. “I’m being schooled by _Zillennials_. I’m going to have to step up my game before you steal my girl. But if you do steal my girl, she likes carnations, butt stuff, potentially universe-altering time travel and Yentl. I know you’ll treat her right.”

Ellie pinched her nose. “Yukio, could you deal with—”

“Of course.” Yukio gave a little wave. “Bye, Wade!”

“Bye, Yukio.” Wade waved brightly back and then swung to Ellie as Yukio kindly led Dopinder away to one of the increasing number of empty tables. “OMG, NTW?! TL;DR? WTF, WMD.”

“You know you’re the only person who thinks you’re funny, right?” Ellie sat on Dopinder’s vacated stool.

“Wait, you think I’m people now? A teenager thinks I’m people!” Wade clapped his hands. “Is there cake? Can there be cake?”

Ellie ignored him in favor of turning her glare to the bar as she peeled her sleeve from it. “Gross.”

“Look, I know I promised Colossus I wouldn’t go after this asshole and yet, here I am, going after this asshole. You might think that makes me the bad guy, but consider this: Colossus actually believed me, so who’s really to blame?”

“He was the only one who did.” Ellie smirked. “But you have a point, scorpion boy. Leave. We’ll deal with MacGuffinson.”

“I’m people _and_ I have a point?” Wade palmed each side of his face and channelled Kevin McAllister as hard as he could. “You’re going soft—you should fall in love with Yukio more often.”

“I’m not—” She ducked her head. “Just get out of here. I won’t tell if you don’t.”

“Ooooh, now there’s a loaded pause.” He patted the bar beside him invitingly, then pried his hand up out of the syrup. “Come talk to Uncle Dead. No, that sounds like crappy experimental German EDM. Uncle Pool? Worse. _So much worse_. Never mind—spill it, sister.”

Ellie raised an unimpressed eyebrow. “No.”

“Fuck you, you think I can’t do girl talk. I’m not just a horrifying avocado face, I have skills. Talk to me. What’s with you? You and Yukio—”

“We’re great,” Ellie snapped. “She’s amazing.”

“Ohhhh.” Wade nodded understandingly. “I see the problem: she’s _way_ too good for you.”

An eloquent middle finger uncurled, and then another.

“I get it. Vanessa is so far out of my league they had to create a new league, and she’s not even in that. My girl out-leagued them all. Science has not yet invented a league that can contain her.”

Ellie scowled down at the floor as it if had insulted her lineage. “So, what did you do?” She asked grudgingly, and as quietly as possible for full deniability.

“Are you kidding? I put a ring on it. And apart from a couple blips where we were a little bit, slightly, dead, if you think I’ll ever let her go, you’re _insane_. And for some reason, she seems to feel the same way. Gotta trust that, kiddo. Yukio’s crazy smart and doesn’t _seem_ to be overly delusional or mind-controlled—you really think she’d hang around if you weren’t worth her time?”

“You’re just trying to make nice so we let you whack MacGuffinson,” Ellie said flatly, smothering the fledgling moment without mercy.

Yeah, he got that too.

“Who even says ‘whack’ anymore? Is it cool again? Tell me it’s cool again. No, wait, just tell me if it’s working. Can I whack him? Say yes.”

“ _No_. Colossus got over it once, he won’t get over it twice. Do you have _any_ idea what it’s like living with an emo Russian tank? He eats all the ice cream and watches weird soap operas.”

“I’m sorry my gut-wrenching loss and subsequent quest to save the future of a traumatised child—oh, and also _everyone_ — inconvenienced you. My bad. I’ll try and save the world quieter next time.”

“You know we’re—I’m—glad you got her back.” Ellie looked faintly abashed, but Wade was willing to concede it might be a trick of the light, because the alternative was she was growing as a person and then god help them all.

“You can’t have her,” he said, quickly.

“I don’t want her.” Ellie tapped the comms bug in her ear and slid off the stool, yanking the hem of her sleeve away from the bar. “We’re done.”

“Don't want her? Did you not hear me say how amazing she is?”

Wait, no. Stay on target, Luke. _Done?_

“Hey, wait a minute, Sneaky McStealthface.” He dropped a hand on her shoulder and jerked it back fast when she turned, eyes flaring. “No touchy. Got it.”

He raised his hands; she stepped back and the energy faded.

“Put this guy away today and he’s out _tomorrow_ ,” he tried. “Put him _down_ now and it’s over. No sleepless nights, wondering who you didn’t save. The X-Men, they’re cute, but you know they’re just a bandaid. Sooner or later, you’ll see things my way.”

She glanced at Yukio, laughing at something Dopinder said as he animatedly waved his arms. “Not today.”

Wade followed her gaze and shook his head. Fine. There was always tomorrow. He pulled himself away from the bar, coming loose with a grunt and staggering to something like a dignified stop. “Dopinder? Playdate’s over, bud."

Yukio waved as they left. “Bye, Dopinder and Wade!”

Both men reappeared in the doorway of the bar. “Bye, Yukio!”

And then they were gone.

Ellie looked around; the only people still in the place were themselves and a nervous-looking bartender.

“You convinced him to leave,” Yukio said, smiling, when she looked back. “That must have been difficult.”

“I kept him talking long enough for you to intercept,” Ellie corrected. “You did great. Emma can take it from here, she’ll make the guy wish he’d never been born.”

Yukio linked their arms and started them towards the door. “ _We_ did great. We always do great. What do you want to—” She drew back, nose wrinkling. “Why are you so sticky?”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you minim-calibre, wendelah1 and doccy for the super speedy beta at short notice!


End file.
